he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
