can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
