the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
