my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
