i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
