I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
