You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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