my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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