I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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