Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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