Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
