I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
