I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
