wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
