You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
