i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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