God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
