pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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