Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize