I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
