just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
