remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You left your phone here
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