Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
