my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
