just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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