apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The power of my boobs compel you
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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