we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
