nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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