im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we're making bets on your personal life
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
