I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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