my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
