Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At least life still wants to fuck me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
