did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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