Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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