I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
