You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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