Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
