You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
