I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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