I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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