we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
