I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The air taste purple.
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