Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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