all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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