He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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