There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize