My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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