and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
