Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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