but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Drunk is a universal language darling
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
