you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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