Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
