my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
