if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
