so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
