She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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