he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
