drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
