Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
