Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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