Apparently you make a good broom.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You may now shotgun with the bride
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
